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The Sound of A Mindful Monday

posted Oct 3, 2013, 5:10 AM by Suzette Vearnon   [ updated Oct 3, 2013, 5:10 AM ]
As I sit here waiting for my nails to dry, I'm grateful that on a Monday I can sleep in while the rain beats outside, fix a Southern breakfast just for moi and paint my nails that are finally growing because I've stopped biting them.  I had actually stopped biting my nails.  It was a childhood habit that I conquered.  I believe the resurgence was the overwhelm of how big my life was becoming.  It was the stress of change.  Over the past weeks of a roller coaster ride from car breaking down to the pressures of managing my to-do's, I decided to disengage from that feeling of being the hamster on the wheel.   
Maybe it was the overwhelm of a busy albeit purposeful life.  Just stuff like your car needing major repairs at the most inopportune time can shift your priorities and cause additional stress to your life.  I already felt in some ways like the tail was wagging the dog.  My life had become so big to me that I felt it was running me instead of me running it.  One thing I realize is my purpose-driven life was being short-circuited by my performance-drivenness. 
Underneath it all was feeling like I had to measure up.  I had a new book that I self published but didn't really know what that meant.  So, when people told me it was going to be bestseller, I jumped on that bandwagon.  When it didn't, I scratched my head and felt disappointed.  To be honest, I grappled with that for a long time.  I tried to put a different spin on it and say that Amazon or the New York Times don't determine that--that my book is a bestseller if it changes someone's life--still deep, deep inside, I felt ashamed. 
That thread of ashamedness led to my discovery and a bigger lesson.  You can mess up a good thing if you bring the old stuff with you. 
I feel like I'm going through Oxygenation:  Out with the bad air and in with the good.  Bad air, getting stuck in performance mode when I feel anxiety.  Good air, evaluating everything I do by my purpose-led intentions.  My Wise though soft-spoken inner voice has always told me the truth.  "You're going too fast," it whispered while I was trying to juggle a full plate and catch other objects to add to it.  I was so caught up in the energy that I couldn't disengage.  I tried but kept getting swept up. 
It was like being in New York City during rush hour.  Folks honking horns and saying with some specially crafted four-letter words, "Move it!"  Cabs whizzing around with folks in the streets trying to hail them.  Billboards competing for your attention and your dollars.  It's overwhelming.  The authoring, coaching, entrepreneurial world can be just as intimidating to a newbie.  Folks say they aren't competing but everywhere you turn is everybody going for theirs as if someone fired a gun at a 100 yard dash.  This person is saying, "come over here," and another is saying "oh no, I have what you need."  Before long you feel like the little round ball in the pinball game that keeps bumping into this and that when all you want is to get to the hole at the top.  You want to shout, "Calgon, take me away!"
I've never done well when there are too many choices.  I am so not the proverbial kid in the candy store.  Not at all.  When there are too many choices and they are all good, I don't know which to choose first.  I get so overwhelmed that I shut down.  Ultimately, I leave with nothing.  
For me, it's been about getting back to basics.  What was my intention for my life?  It was 4 things:  (1) To do what fulfilled me, (2) To live my life on my terms, (3) To get up every morning excited about my day and (4) To have the money to do all the above.  That's it.  That's all. 
So, I'm sitting with my legs crossed, in my jammies, with wet nails that I hope I have not messed up while typing this blog and a hot flash here and there.  Everything else can wait.  I'm breathing and staying in a meditative space as I evaluate how I live my purposeful life.  Mundane tasks have to be managed.  For me, the joy is more important than anything else!  This is the sound of my Mindful Monday.