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Capacity for Grace

posted Nov 15, 2016, 3:32 PM by Suzette Vearnon   [ updated Nov 15, 2016, 3:56 PM ]
I've begun to put together a rest and renewal circle.  That circle is comprised of wellness professionals, like my chiropractor and my relationship coach.  It's also includes those deep bonds of friendship that were formed in those early days when I wasn't an author, a coach or a business woman.  These folks are the guardians of my Suzetteness.  They keep me connected to the heart that beats inside of me.  

You see, when I was young.  I didn't feel heard.  What has happened, that I am so awed by, is that what was pain for me as a child has become a way of being with people.  I am their safe place.  Sure, they said it differently, but that sums it up.  I'm that place where they can come and feel okay.  No judgement.  No shame.  

What I learned today is that I can see it one of two ways:  as a burden or as a gift.  It becomes burdensome when you feel that you are giving at the expense of your needs getting met.  On the opposite end of this, however, is the gift.  The profound honor of being able to give people something of such value--YOU.  

My relationship coach encouraged me to take care of my reserves.  I've discovered in the last couple of days that I must.  When I give of myself, I'm all in, 100%.  Me as a friend or as a coach or as a businessowner is no different.  Hence, it is imperative that I have my power down period already factored in.  Some use meditation, prayer, yoga, or sitting in nature as their daily practice. Others, like me, like to lay back on my lounger and watch the Hallmark Channel, take myself out for breakfast, go to an inspiring seminar or read a book that engages the being part of me.  It's not that I don't do these things.  It's that I have not been as deliberate as I need to.  

I had been through some pretty intense stuff and had not paid attention to my body.  It tried to tell me.     

Another thing I learned is that our family and friends may not speak the language of our profession or purpose-driven work.  So I have to stay up on our way of communicating.  Every relationship has a unique language.  A unique way of being together.  I use coaching-speak with my clients but when I'm kicking back with friends, they don't want to hear none of that.  It becomes a challenge to turn off my coaching brain and talk family or talk friend.  

If we don't understand this, we feel like we are in an either-or situation.  Either my family has to change or I have to change.  It's that either-or thinking that blinds us to another alternative.  Is there a way that you can be true to you and be true to those close to you?  Certainly.  What became crystal clear to me was the need to be mindful of my reserves. And mindful of what makes my friendships with others so enriching and wonderful for us both.    

Create the magic, Suzette, is what I heard.  

I have to get creative about participating in those savory moments.  I also have to be honest.  If I am brain dead from an intense week, then I must reschedule or invite the friend to spend time with me in some other less-intense way.  Maybe a movie or window shopping.  

To push ourselves beyond what feels safe is not healthy.  It's that perception of one-sidedness in relationships that makes you feel resentful. There is an alternative.  It is finding our place of grace.  It's that capacity to be there, not at the expense of ourselves, but with a willing spirit. It ushers us into a both-and.  We can be both there for those meaningful relationships and be there for ourselves.  There is grace to strike that happy medium if we're open to it.  Maybe instead of meeting for lunch we can take in a movie.  The capacity we cannot afford to lose is the capacity for grace.